Blame – Whose Fault was it?
Are you being scapegoated?

There are Five stages of dealing with grief
Maybe you’re getting blamed as it’s a stage the other person is going through?

  • Denial,
  • Anger — Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. The person in question can be angry with himself, or with others, or at a higher power, and especially those who are close to them. Certain psychological responses of a person undergoing this phase would be: “Why me? It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”;
  • ‘”Who is to blame?”; “Why would God let this happen?”  Blame-shifting to avoid accepting responsibility has a very high price, for to successfully blame others is also to dis-empower yourself.   Living Wisdom.com
    • Narcissists are notorious for placing blame on other people and not on themselves   TheNarcissisticLife.com    This article has so much, that it’s hard to just take out a few highlights… click on the link in the beginning of this sentence and read the entire article 1 or 2 pages.   The narcissist will blame you for everything that isn’t right in their life, and blame you for what other people do, and blame you for whatever has happened      As he thinks that someone must be guilty, he almost always attributes the blame to others    You never know when you are going to be blamed for something you had no part in.  If you are married to a narcissist and finally decide to leave the toxic situation, the narcissist will blame you for the failed marriage and bad parenting (they have no qualms about blatant lying) in order to “win” in court. Despite the battle that will ensue, the healthiest thing you can do is to avoid or significantly limit the exposure you have to the narcissist.

      sometimes things just happen that are not really anyone’s fault

      ♦   Only accept responsibility for your part and not the blame for the whole thing

      ♦   Above everything else, love yourself and stop be so hard on yourself

      ♦    Make a list of all of the positive traits that you have and make the list long and detailed.

      ♦    Self-esteem

      ♦   Try only worrying about the bigger issues and letting the smaller issues go and learn when things can be fixed and when it is time to just let it go.

  • Bargaining,
  • Depression,
  • Acceptance (Wikipedia)

experts say experiencing these emotions is normal and healthy,   “By denying you’re injured, you can exacerbate the injury,”,     Injury Grief – Active.com

Learn and Move On

Mistakes happen every day to everyone and if we all just continued to blame ourselves all of the time instead of moving on, we would have a very sad and depressed world. Since the mistake has already happened there is nothing you can do and no amount of blame is going to change that. You can make your amends whether that is saying you are sorry, repaying someone or any other solution and you can learn from the mistake so you do not do it again.     Let the past stay in the past and start living for the future     HealthGuidance.org 

Recognize when it’s not your fault.

While some folks avoid blame, others apologize for everything, from their allergies to global warming to the Spanish Inquisition. Accepting blame for things over which we have no control is just as counterproductive as dodging the blame we deserve. It’s not surprising that many people take the blame when it doesn’t belong to them. We females, in particular, are often socialized to hold ourselves responsible for other people’s feelings and behavior, thinking that if we don’t take care of them physically and emotionally, their bad moods or reprehensible actions are our fault.

differentiating between things you can’t control and things you can.    Oprah.com 

Accept allocated blame

Sometimes (and maybe quite often) we get blamed by others. When this happens, we may have fair responsibility, yet often we either have no responsibility or, at best, we share responsibility with others.

In such situations the person blaming us is taking the role of the authoritative parent, forcing responsibility on us whether we deserve it or not. Sometimes we fight back, but many people will give in and accept the blame. If this happens often enough, we can end up ‘punch-drunk’ and accept blame without even having others blame us.  changing minds.org

Don’t Take Anything Personally

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. The Four Agreements   

Through our domestication we have also learned to take things personally. We assume that when someone has an opinion about us that their opinion is valid.  Their opinion becomes our belief about our self.   We end up having an emotional reaction to our own belief because  we assumed their opinion it is true.   We can also take personally our own opinions. We take personally our own self judgments. These self judgments are nothing more than an assumption. Over years the mind has developed many habits of making assumptions and taking them personally.  The Four Agreements  

 

What if you’re girlfriends says, we need to talk?

More   

The blamer frequently accuses us of intentions and actions that do not belong to us, and often belong to themselves. The great danger that projection presents when it comes from those close to us is it makes us feel like the bad person that the other person is relating to. The core of protecting ourselves from a blamer is establishing and continually supporting an impenetrable boundary between what we know about ourselves and what this other person needs to believe about us.   While we can’t control what another person thinks about us or how they may distort our truth, we can most definitely control what we do with their thoughts. We can’t control whether another person will listen to or be interested in our truth, but we can control for how long and with how much energy we will attempt to correct their version of our truth. We can also control how and if we want to continue in a relationship with someone who chooses not to relate to who we actually are. In relating with a blamer, some important questions to contemplate are: Learn More ==> psychology today.com/what-do-about-the-people-who-blame-you-everything

You do not need to prove your innocence to anyone if you are indeed innocent. You already know in your heart that you have clean hands. This is all that matters. It is not necessary to prove to anyone that you are not guilty. Do not fuel the evil fire by giving these lies power.  pairedlife.com

They truly do not see their part in contributing to or primarily causing their own problems in life. Borderline HCPs frequently distort information, giving it an all-or-nothing spin, or jumping to conclusions, or personalizing things which really aren’t personal.  psychology today.com/are-you-target-blame-borderline-personality

 

Links & Resources

PsychCentral.com

Toxic Venting?

How to Respond When Your Partner’s Bark Feels Like a Bite
Their anger may not be about you, but you can still help defuse it.

Tackling Self-Blame and Self-Criticism:

5 Strategies to Try

 

The adult habit of self-blame is often an internalization of childhood experience. This is especially true if you grew up in a household that put a high premium on everything going right and looking perfect, and if a parent, or even both parents, needed someone to be the scapegoat when things didn’t.

 

5 trouble-shooting techniques

See the article for more information Tackling Self-Blame and Self-Criticism:   5 Strategies to Try

Sheldon says the Only thing left to do is to decide
who takes the blame

AA’s 12 STEPS, INCLUDING POWERFUL 4 TH STEP WORKSHEETS   
Herb K's workbook
AA’s 12 STEPS, INCLUDING POWERFUL 4 TH STEP WORKSHEETS

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What is Co #Dependency?

 

Codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s drug addictionalcoholismgambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.[1] Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity.[1]

Given its grassroots origin, the precise definition of codependency varies based on the source but can be generally characterized as a subclinical and situational or episodic behavior similar to that of dependent personality disorder.[1] In its broadest definition, a codependent is someone who cannot function from their innate self and whose thinking and behavior is instead organized around another person, or even a process, or substance.[2] In this context, people who are addicted to a substance, like drugs, or a process, like gambling or sex, can also be considered codependent.

In its most narrow definition, it requires one person to be physically or psychologically addicted, such as to heroin, and the second person to be psychologically dependent on that behavior.[3] Some users of the codependency concept use the word as an alternative to using the concept of dysfunctional families, without statements that classify it as a disease.[4]   Wikipedia  

Resources & Links

what is codependency.com/symptoms

coda.org

Julia Kristina Counseling
Here we talk about what codependency is

and I break down the 11 key symptoms to look for in ourselves, or in others

AA’s 12 STEPS, INCLUDING POWERFUL 4 TH STEP WORKSHEETS   
Herb K's workbook
AA’s 12 STEPS, INCLUDING POWERFUL 4 TH STEP WORKSHEETS

Blame – Being #Misunderstood

What if you’re being blamed for something, that you didn’t do.  You were simply misunderstood?

“Lord, I thank You that You understand me. I will not let my life be ruled by feelings. My happiness does not depend on other people understanding me. I am free from the misunderstood syndrome.” Amen Charismamage.com

Dr. Phil has so much relevant to say, I’d copy everything, but that would be plagiarism, just follow the link to his webpage and search there.  He moved his webpage.

 

Non Verbal Communication

 

Most experts agree that 70 to 93 percent of all communication is nonverbal.

One of the most well-known research projects on nonverbal communication was led by Dr. Mehrabian in the 1960s. In his first experiment, subjects were given three recordings of the word “maybe” — one to convey disfavor, one to convey favor and one to convey neutrality. Participants were then shown photos of female faces expressing the same three emotions and were told to determine the emotions of both the recordings and the photos. The subjects more accurately guessed the emotion conveyed in the photos by a margin of 3:2.

lifesize.com/video-conferencing-blog/speaking-without-words

To Talk Or Not To Talk That Is The Question!

How to deal with #rejection in Sales?

 

  • expect rejection and don’t take it seriously
  • emotional distance
  • mission minded 

inc.com/7-ways-superstar-salespeople-easily-handle-rejection

****

Rejection tends to turn us inward in a negative way — causing us to feel unworthy, flawed, not good enough, unlovable, frustrated, confused, angry, sad, etc. — which can get us painfully bogged down in paralyzing self criticism.
But if we believe, as I do, that all experiences in life directly support our learning, growth and upliftment — then rejection must also be a path for our learning, growth and upliftment.

 

might be a mirror to inform how she was treating herself, and how she might be being dishonest and disloyal to herself in that relationship. And then, I could see the light go on in her teary eyes. The truth she realized was this: she was not really certain about him either, or happy with some of his core qualities and values, but continued to date him anyway because of the pleasant companionship and qualities she did enjoy about him. So in essence, she realized she was settling, and not being honest with herself about what she was truly and fully wanting but not getting, and was therefore not being loyal to herself by staying in a relationship that truly was not satisfying or aligning with her deepest values and desires. By the end of the session, she clearly understood how his rejection was truly her higher self’s way of informing and protecting her, and saw that this fellow was not her match.  Read More

***

No good, healthy relationship ends

Self Love

Links & Resources

facebook.com/relationshipmasters

 

Lyrics Don’t let me be misunderstood

Emotional Invalidation: A Form of Emotional Abuse
Emotional invalidation is painful. Sometimes it’s unintentional, but it’s a sign of emotional abuse when done repeatedly and intentionally.

 

Your feelings are valid

Your feelings matter. Emotions serve an important purpose and shouldn’t be ignored. For example, feeling angry, afraid, or sad tells you that something’s wrong. You don’t want to miss these crucial pieces of information because they can help you to take care of yourself and make decisions to keep yourself safe.

Feelings aren’t right or wrong. They are a reflection of your thoughts, experiences, and perceptions, which is why two people can have the same experience, but feel differently.

It’s also important to note that validation – saying that someone’s feelings are acceptable or worthwhile – isn’t the same as agreeing with their feelings. We can certainly feel differently, but make the effort to try to understand and empathize with our loved one’s feelings.

How others invalidate your feelings

Sometimes emotional invalidation is done accidentally by someone who is well-meaning but has a low emotional intelligence or simply isn’t paying attention to your feelings. A common form of invalidation is when someone tries to cheer you up when you’re sad because they feel uncomfortable with your feelings. This can be invalidating because your feelings are being dismissed when someone wants to change your feelings rather than accept them or understand them.

Learn more:

Emotional Invalidation: A Form of Emotional Abuse

 

Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship Web MD 

 

An emotionally abusive relationship may not be as easy to spot as a physically abusive one. However, there are some signs to look out for when trying to identify an emotionally abusive relationship.

Possessiveness, Jealousy, and Controlling Behavior

Emotionally abusive partners are often jealous. They frame their possessive feelings as positive. However, in an abusive dynamic, this jealousy can turn into controlling behavior like:

  • Expecting you to answer texts and calls right away, no matter where you are or what you are doing

 

wikipedia.org/Psychological_abuse

#Interrupters

Highlights of how to deal with interrupters

2. Set expectations upfront.

When you’re giving a presentation, or have a longish story to tell in a social situation, you can start by saying something along the lines of, “Bear with me, this might take longer than you’d like,” or “I definitely want your thoughts on all this, after I lay it out.” This is especially important if you’re dealing with a chronic interrupter one on one or addressing a group that contains a chronic interrupter. When the interruption comes, you can say, “As I said, this will take a minute….”

 

3. Just keep talking.

If you like, you can say to your interrupter, “One moment,” and finish your thought. Or you can just keep talking as if you haven’t heard the interruption. This may seem combative, but if other people are listening, they may appreciate your persistence.

Address the issue. Say, “Please let me speak.” The goal isn’t to overcome your interrupter with anger but to be firm and clear. You can be polite and hold your ground. It’s all about your tone and body language. Accompanied by a smile, “I’m glad you’re dying to chime in, but I’m not done yet” doesn’t have to be hostile. It’s just as direct and probably more effective and impressive than saying “Shut up and let me talk.”  Psychology Today  *

 

 

How to Deal With Chronic Interrupters and Get a Word In
Very Well Mind.com

consistent interruptions by the same person not only feel like a lack of respect for you and your thoughts, but they also demonstrate apparent self-centeredness. Interruptions also can make you feel insignificant and unimportant—that what you are trying to say isn’t worthy of being listened to.

chronic interrupters are asserting their power, their knowledge, and their ideas at your expense.  And in extreme situations, interrupting can be anything but altruistic. In fact, interruption is often a tactic used by emotionally abusive people who use it as a way to assert dominance and control. For this reason, it’s important to know how to handle interruptions with grace and dignity and still be able to get your point across.

chronic interruptions are conversation killers that disrupt a healthy exchange of information. After all, if everyone is talking, then no one is listening.

 

12 comments on “Scapegoated? blame – whose fault

  1. What about people that want to chastise you, ask for a conference, but have no intention of letting you talk and have already made up their mind?

    • A second type of fixer-upper is someone who you perceive needs an overhaul and can be taken on as a “project.” This vampire is so seductive because (s)he doesn’t put up enough of a fight to dissuade you from trying to fix the problems, yet (s)he’s not interested in changing.

      Self–defense tips: If you’re susceptible to fixer-uppers, try to mercifully understand what ropes you in so you don’t repeat this going-nowhere pattern. Ask yourself:

      Am I motivated by the desire to be liked? To feel wanted? To control? Guilt? An inability to say “no”?

      When a fixer-upper appears, start by setting the ground rules of how you interact with them by offering emotional support without compulsively spewing solutions.

      If you’re consistent, many will be dissuaded from calling; others will be spurred to rely more on their inner wisdom and/or an appropriate health care professional.

      https://inspiyr.com/difficult-people/

    • Often those that criticise others reveal what he himself lacks Shannon L Alder

      “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” — Henry Thomas Buckle

      “Criticizing others is a dangerous thing, not so much because you may make mistakes about them, but because you may be revealing the truth about yourself.” — Harold Medina

      It implies blame: When something goes wrong, criticizing is an easy way out. We use someone’s flaw to blame him/her for events that are out of everyone’s control. Instead of accepting that life is unexpected.

      It’s a projection of our frustrations: what we criticize in others reminds us what we don’t like in ourselves. Not only we are blaming others for our own flaws. But criticizing them is a way to hide what we don’t want to see about ourselves.

      Silencing our inner voice is not easy. Rumination, the habit of repeatedly chewing sad experiences or conversations, is like getting stuck in the sand.

      liberationist.org/this-is-why-silencing-criticism-will-make-you-powerful/

      Oscar Wilde once said, “Criticism is the only reliable form of autobiography.” It tells you more about the psychology of the critic than the people he or she criticizes. Astute professionals can formulate a viable diagnostic hypothesis just from hearing someone’s criticisms.

      Criticism is an utter failure at getting positive behavior change. Any short-term gain you might get from it builds resentment down the line.

      Criticism fails because it embodies two of the things that human beings hate the most:

      It calls for submission, and we hate to submit.
      It devalues, and we hate to feel devalued.

      While people hate to submit, though, we actually like to cooperate. Critical people seem oblivious to this key point about human nature: The valued self cooperates; the devalued self resists. If you want behavior change from a partner, child, relative, or friend, first show value for the person. If you want resistance, criticize.

      Criticism is coercive: You’re going to do what I want, or else I … (won’t connect with you or will punish you in some way).
      Feedback is not coercive: I know we can find a solution that works for both of us.

      https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201404/whats-wrong-criticism

      when sad memories are deleted, you feel much happier.

      Then, why do most people love rehashing memories?

      We expect a different outcome. By reliving over and over a story, we tend to believe that things are going to change. Unfortunately, no matter how many storylines you create in your mind, what happened won’t change. What you can change is how you feel about it.

      We punish ourselves: If a relationship went south, most people tend to remember the breakup. They go over every word that was said to them, reliving their feelings too. Like watching Battlefield Earth again and again (choose your own terrible movie). Stop torturing yourself. Go and watch another movie.

      liberationist.org/deleting-your-memories-will-make-you-happier/

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